I think about this subject, and it seems so very vast. I think of so much that can be talked about, yet I know that I can only hope to touch upon some basic points.
To set the stage, I will tell you that my boyfriend of almost 14 years and I have all but completely split up. In my heart and mind, I have decided not to give up on him, though I might temporarily have to give up on our relationship. The reason I'm not giving up on him is because after 14 years of seeing him, I am fully convinced that he loves me and that he needs me. However, at this point, he has had to move out of the building we lived in together due of his cigarette smoking, and now I'm pretty sure he has another girlfriend, all because he needs someone to help support his habit, and although I fully understand how addictive cigarette smoking can be, I am watching him ruin his life because of it.
But smoking is not so much the enemy here, as DISTANCE. Distance has reeked havoc with our friendship. But why? What is it about distance that makes it such a destroyer of romantic love? A big factor, I happen to think, is that while two people who love each other are apart from each other, the familiarity with the beloved, and with the nature of the love, fades. As familiarity with one another fades, worry sets in, and insecurity. Thoughts like
"Why did she say that?"
"Why hasn't he called?"
"How can this work?"
This is where the rest of our friends can give advice that actually works against the relationship, and serves to destroy the relationship. Simply put, it's the "you deserve better" game. Both people are being told by their own friends that they deserve better, and that they are being taken advantage of.
So the bottom line as far as choosing whether to stay with someone or "kick him/her to the curb" (bear with my urban slang here), is to search your heart. I mean, really really give some thought: Do you love him or her? Are you comparing him or her in your mind to someone you went with before? Are you comparing him or her to someone more ideal who you think is still coming into your life one day?
Classic example here of someone who made a huge mistake. There was a friend of mine who was very happily going with someone, and actually had gotten engaged. And they loved each other very much. Then, she happened to start seeing a fortune teller, and the fortune teller told her that she was going to marry Joseph, and give birth to Jesus. The fortune teller told her she must break up with the man she was seeing, and wait for Joseph to come into her life. Totally ridiculous advice if ever there was any! But do you know she did it? She gave up a real man who had put a real engagement ring on her finger, to wait for a man who lived and died 2,000 years ago!
Friends, it sounds ridiculous, but I have seen quite a few women do this, in one form of it or another. I could give more examples, but time precludes. I might go into some of this again though. But let me encourage you, if you love someone, if you are comfortable with him or her, and if the relationship has stood the test of time, it's time to stop looking around for someone better. Your friend might not be perfect. He might not open car doors. He might not even buy you flowers. But if you know that you know that you know that he loves you, I would recommend for you to hold on to him. Because "Joseph" may not show up for a very long time.
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