An unlikely place for Love

Probably some of you know that I am living in slightly unfortunate circumstances. I live in an assisted living residence, which is a euphemism for a nursing home. The folks that work with us here are not under pressure to provide us with sophisticated care. However, I have lived here for over ten years, and I have bonded strongly with a good number of the workers. I have a boyfriend here as well, but this writing is not about him. I want to talk about something I experienced yesterday morning.

Yesterday morning, after I ate breakfast, I went to recline the back of my bed down from a sitting position, and it would not recline. I thought it was something simple to fix, because it had happened before. Make a long story short, the part that handles the recline of my bed was broken. I am paralyzed from the waist down, therefore I had to sit in one spot, till it could be fixed.

Turned out no one on the premises could fix it, and the on-call maintenance person had to be contacted. I knew their approach to handling my problems, and I knew it would be a long wait. But I was ready.

I was ready to "fight the good fight of faith". The workers would create the illusion that no one cared about my pain, my tears meant nothing to people, that it was funny to see a cripple trying to win control over something that in reality they had no control over. From their point of view, it was an opportunity to, as a song by Stevie Nicks says, "make me cry, make me break down, shatter my illusions of love". But, I too, was ready. You see, to live the Christian life properly, a person needs to develop a high pain tolerance. And I have learned that a good method of tolerating pain is to anticipate ahead of time exactly what it will feel like.

So the morning hours went by, and no fuss from me about, "Why hasn't maintenance arrived yet?" See, I took responsibility for my own conduct, as well as the conduct of others. By not griping, I prevented all of us from going lower into our sinfulness and low self-esteem. Though others were not prepared to be friendly, my acceptance and forgiveness compensated for their lack.

I have talked to women who had complicated child delivery. They told me that they virtually ignored the pain because their concern was about the safety of their child. Firefighters sacrifice their lives in the process of rescuing others. It is all in the category of selflessness. A good friend is more concerned about others than about.him or her self.

Trace Balin: We Need Each Other

Have I told you lately

This thing called love --is it a thing, or is it a friend?

Hi! I have here an excellent recording of a song by Ringo Starr about substance abuse, and I want to talk about addictions. Looking at addictions, I have been enslaved by an addiction 3 times in the past. The addiction that lasted the longest, not surprisingly, was to cigarettes. I also was addicted to marijuana, and I'm including my hangup on a no-good guy as an addiction, for a total of three. All three of these, by the mercy and grace of God, are a thing of the past.

How did I do it? The first step was admitting within my heart that it was wrong, and admitting that in best possible circumstances, I would like to quit. Actually, before I could even get that far, at times it becomes necessary to pray "God, if this is wrong, show me."

But I want to talk about what a spouse, or a family member should do when they see someone they love going down because of an addiction, whether it be chemical or emotional. I'm sure most of you by now have learned or been advised: Do not nag. The worst thing you can do is to make a victim of addiction feel that you are more stressed and upset about their problem than they are. This only expounds the weight of the burden. A person with an addiction is usually using the substance to hide behind. He or she might be unhappy with themselves or with their lives, and they distract themselves and others from their misery by engaging in an unwise habit.

I want to share how my parents dealt with me in a very magical way when I was a delinquent teenager who only wanted to quit school and hang out with her friends and get high. At first, every day, my parents would yell at me and say "What are you going to do with your life?" But the more they pressured me, the more preoccupied I became with just impressing my friends and fitting in with a bad group of kids. Finally, the differences between my parents and I became so great, that I ran away from home. They found me after a couple of days. But that was a turning point. After I returned home, they became perfectly silent about their desires for me to choose a career. Instead, they supported me as much as they could in what I seemed to like. I remember clearly that I would come home from the place I hung out with my friends at, and often it was very very late at night. When I came in, they always had the refrigerator stocked with all the things I needed to make my favorite sandwich (ham and cheese special). In a short time, my boyfriend and I broke up, and I went to spend the weekend with a close friend. I returned from the weekend with an announcement for my parents: "I want to go to college, and I want to major in Art".

This way in which my parents operated with me, I call "letting it go to keep it". It is actually based on a verse in the Bible,"He who seeks to save his life shall lose it, and he who loses his life for my sake shall find it". Happens to be the verse I first believed. Accept the thought that how you are approaching getting what you want could be wrong. Get on the other side of it. Genuinely try to understand the opposite point of view. If you do this, from my perspective, you have nothing to lose, and everything to gain.

Ringo Starr: The No No Song

When the friend cupboard looks empty

Hi! I'm kind of excited because I've got a little bit of a new topic relevant to friendship to get into. When it comes to sharing about handling  relationships, sometimes it's best to relate things to an experience. So I am going to begin with what is going on for me right now on my facebook page. For about the past week on my facebook page, I have gotten no response to anything at all which I have posted. I think I have about 30 friends, give or take, and there are pages too, that I have liked. But nothing I have shared, be way of comment, post, or even private note, has elicited any response.

What would you do? There are a number of options as to how to try and relieve the pain. I only want to share about one natural tendency which has the potential of adding to the damage. It's very tempting, when the indication is that nobody likes you, to look for someone in the crowd, and recruit that someone to prove that YES! you do have someone who loves you! Going back now to what is currently happening to me, other than delete my facebook account which is out of the question, I could look for one special friend (someone who has been particularly nice to me) to squeeze some words out of, therefore proving that I do have a soul in this world who cares. Is that something I would consider doing?

NO!!! Let me take apart what is going on when I choose a reaction like that to my problem: I am selecting one individual, and putting all my confidence in him or her to rescue me. One human being... not at all unlike most human beings, and yet I am asking this person to separate themselves from the crowd and take on the label of My Hero. A role they have no information about, and have no idea at all what the consequences of taking it would be. And if the person refuses to get involved, it is implied that my relationship with him or her would be over.

All of this, my dear, dear friends, can be described as simply this putting someone's back against the wall. Very very hazardous to a friendship! I have been going steady with Andre for 11 years, and in all this time I have never done that. And you have to realize in 11 years those types of situations have come up. You know something, now Andre creates his own opportunities to show undying friendship, and to show how much he loves me.

What to do at those times when it looks like nobody cares? Just simply wait it out friends. Wait it out along with everybody else. They're waiting to see what you're going to do? Join them! Enjoy the mystery of seeing what's going to happen, how is all of it going to play out?

Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers: I Won't Back Down

Mission: Friendship

What is your definition of a Friend? There are so many ways to describe a friend. As I write this, it boggles my mind to think about how much friends mean... let's see, what comes to mind first for me? Someone whose character I feel confident about. Someone who knows the difference between right and wrong. If someone does not know right from wrong, how can friendship even exist? There would be no common ground; nothing to talk about.

So then, I think I have hit on something: the majority of people the world over, see friendship a relationship which involves conversation and/or honest communication.

I would like you to make a list of the things you look for in a friend. It does not have to be a long list. Let's say, 5 things. Make a list of 5 things you personally are looking for in a friend.

Let's see...
I'll make mine...
      1. Trustworthy
      2. Good company
      3. Truthful
      4. Considerate
      5. Understanding

After you have made your own list of 5 items that you seek in a friend, go back and ask yourself, could I be described by these words?

My word to you today is, be clear. Be clear as to what you want to see in your friends, and be clear about your goals for the way you handle yourself with other people. Might I quote Dr. Wayne Dyer's words, "You attract what you are". And more than anything in life, don't we all want to have more friends?

Meredeth Brooks: Stop

When friends make shocking confessions

What do you do when someone tells you something about themselves or their past that is highly disturbing? Very very difficult issue! We should always remember, in my opinion, that the Position of Friend is a valuable position, and more than anything, we want to hold onto it. And so, what does a Friend do when someone has come to feel close enough to him or her, to confide in him/her about something which is uncomfortable to discuss?

I will start by telling you what I don't think you should do. Children often find themselves in this situation. As children we share things with our friends much more readily, and I remember during my early childhood, that something had taken place within my family that was very very hard for me to accept, and I described to someone I felt close to what had happened. Do you know what she said to me? She said, "Now we in my family don't repeat anything like this to someone outside the family." That was a thoughtless response! She basically told me that by sharing something that disturbed me, I was being disloyal to my family. After this reaction from her, I not only had the burden of what had taken place, but the added burden that by talking about it I was showing a lack of loyalty. And so, Sharon's reaction was quite the opposite of what was needed. Her reaction was judgemental. What is needed when a friend confesses to us is open-mindedness.

Back in the late 1980s, I opted to have a sort of helpline running out from my apartment. I dealt with many many different relationship issues, as well as financial issues, and even legal issues, and I always gave the most sincere advice I knew. Now, one afternoon, a gentleman called with something very very different, and I don't know if he was just testing me to see what I would do, or what. He told me that he had caught his wife having sex with their dog. I hope I don't get in trouble with blogger for sharing this, but this, indeed was something that a caller presented me with, and he asked me whether his wife was normal. I'm sure almost 100% of helpline workers in America would have hung up and been very frightened. But I had known a whole bunch of people, and heard a whole bunch of stories, and I was, even back then, committed to being of help. And so, this man's question to me was "Is my wife normal?" I answered very matter-of-factly, "No Sir, no she's not". Then he asked me how he should handle it, and without being accusatory to anyone, I took the whole thing from a practical standpoint, I did tell him to get rid of the dog, and besides that, I advised that he and his wife should review and revise their own sexual activity, and see how between the two of them, they could make it more satisfying.

My point is, as a Friend, it is our responsibility to be OPEN-MINDED about what is shared with us by those who trust us. By being open-minded, we are proving that we are WORTHY of their trust. I personally, consider proving to be worthy of trust, a higher achievement than winning an Academy Award!!!

Avalon: Take You At Your Word