Friendly, but never a friend

OK, I'm going to get right to it: nobody wants to be bothered with me, and I don't blame them. I can be very fussy, and picayune, and in addition to that, I become cruel when people don't meet my picayune standards. And even when they do try their best, and they live up to my standards, I will still unexpectedly be cruel.

All I can say is I wish to God I was nicer. I don't know how I got this way, but the only positive thing I can say about it is I wish I could be warmer and able to be close, and able to give love that lasts. Maybe it is because I am doing lasting work with a multitude on the Internet, that it is difficult for me to think about caring for people on a one on one basis. I can also say that I have been hurt very badly by people I truly loved very very much.

But trying to figure out how I became so unable to give back is not going to help now. I am in the present now, and I need to really really want to change, or I will continue hurting people and staying isolated. How can I change, and what first steps can I take to change? The first step is always thought to be: recognition. This I am doing even right now. I am admitting that I am a hurtful person, and I am also admitting that I understand why people avoid getting involved with me. There are obviously, reasons that are not so nice for why people don't wanna be bothered with me, such as, I am not powerful or wealthy, but I am singling out one reason, being that I am emotionally unable to give back. Because people would be drawn to me regardless, if I was at all able to form healthy relationships.

So we begin with recognition. But recognition is nothing without a sincere desire and will to change. I have to confess here, I am so afraid of being hurt, that I do not care if I am no longer fit to have a close personal relationship with someone. And I forgive myself for this. Right or wrong, people have been beastly to me, and I wish to stay to myself and offer love from afar. The concern is I may be misperceiving  the care or lack of care that people have given me. I may be making mountains out of molehills, and not receiving love even though it is being offered. In fact, I can see as I think about it that this is true. But will I ever trust myself to handle myself within a friendship? This still remains the question. It is a serious question for me. It is a question, or shall I say, a doubt that needs to be prayed over. Something that I even need to make a priority in prayer.

♬     Nora Jones: Don't Know Why