Real friends are forever

Honesty, for me, is the most important ingredient in friendship. If someone is a real friend, then he or she will want me to be completely truthful with him or her about all of my thoughts and feelings. Even if my thoughts and feelings disagree with theirs, when a friend loves me, he or she will embrace me in my entirety. Because when there is a friendship, many abstractions between the heart and mind are understood among people that fall short of definition. Friends do not hold one another to specifics of the words spoken, nor to dress sizes, or even skin color.

Talkin bout unconditional love here, where we don't say "if this" or "when that", because unconditional love is limitless. I imagine there was much of it when the first settlers came over here on the Mayflower. Because they were all in one accord. And even if we read in the book of Acts in the Bible, which is an account of what the Jesus' disciples did after He ascended. They spread the good news which he gave "and many were added to their number daily; those that were being saved".*

*Acts chapter 2, verse 47

Friends and cunning (continued)

OK, in my last blog I said that I would be continuing on the topic of 'Friends and cunning'. Some of you may have hoped I would continue the story of my friendship with the young girl I spoke of, Susan. Actually, we stayed friends right up until our college years, but we grew very far apart in terms of our goals and lifestyle choices.
But my point in introducing you to Susan was that, Sometimes even the best of friends might say things or suggest things that will be detrimental to us if we take them too seriously. As I review what I shared about Susan and her mother, I'm thinking, "I wish I had had more insight into what she must have been going through". As kids, all we think about is "me-me-me" isn't it?
Anyways, if a close friend or even a relative suggests something that really and truly doesn't sit right with you, get help. Try to find someone objective to discuss your concerns with.
In conclusion, your best friend may not, and probably is not right all the time. In fact, I know that even my parents, out of nothing but their love for me, told me I was right at times when they might have been wiser if they had tried to get me to consider the possibility that I was wrong, and visa versa.
Then, may I just add that, knowing this, understand that if you want to be the best friend you can be, be honest.

Friends and cunning

When I was in the sixth grade, I was best friends with a little girl named Susan. As often happens with kids that age, her mother met my mom and dad, and they hit it off. It was great! Her mom really liked my parents a lot, and Susan and her sister Lisa became good friends with me.

However, after a number of months, things became more difficult. You see, Susan's mother was in the middle of a painful divorce. The fact that my parents were happily married, and Nancy was being rejected by the man she had married (not sure who rejected who, I was only a child 10 years old), was one of the most damaging forces ever in the lives of my parents and myself. You see, the more painful Nancy's divorce became, the more tempting it was for her to compare herself to my mother.

Simultaneously, my little friend Susan, in her bitterness that she was losing her dad while I still had mine, became very very envious. So then, one night when Susan slept over my house, she began to say awful things to me. This girl, who I considered my very best friend, was very casually saying to me that "everybody hated me". Doesn't every child just dread hearing such words? She added too that the young boy who I thought was the cutest in the class actually liked her, and that they frequently found themselves staring at each other in class. Just imagine how much all of this hurt!

Now, let's go back to the topic of this blog. We are discussing cunning. Can you see how Susan's envy got the better of her? She was struggling with some hard issues for a girl of her age and was comparing her lifestyle to the security and worry-free childhood I was experiencing. Though we started out "bosom buddies", at this point our friendship had clearly changed. Susan may still have admired me, but she no longer sincerely enjoyed spending time with me. She looked at me, and I was an ugly reminder that she was losing her father.

When a close friend begins to behave in a way that does not line up with your standards for friendship, the warning flag should go up. Right then and there, when Susan was saying cruel things to me, I needed to be brave enough to recognize that she could no longer be trusted in the way that I wanted to trust her.

Trust

If we refuse to put some chips on the table, then how can we participate in the game? I'm not a gambler, but I'm using this example to say, in order to turn someone into a friend, we have to be willing to put ourselves in a position in which we risk being hurt.
I'm not saying be foolhardy, I'm not saying risk a great deal all the time. When we put ourselves in a vulnerable position, it should be under the auspices of a calculated risk. When making a friend,  we should normally have a 'hunch' that this person is similar to us, that what we have to offer this person is something he or she will value, and will cherish us for sharing.
But this is only one part of a calculated risk. The other side of it is; we also need to trust ourselves. It is very very important,  that in thinking about opening up to someone and giving of ourselves, we have faith in our own resilience. If we can't be confident in anything else when we meet someone we wish to befriend, it is critical that we know that, should something go wrong, and the friendship cannot mature properly, we are strong enough to get beyond the hurt.
Moving from acquaintance to friendship with someone  is one of the most exciting things about being alive! I would say it is what makes life worth living. But just some things to remember: Are you being realistic? Are you taking a calculated risk, in which you have sized up what you know about the reliability of the person you want to reach out to? Are you also being realistic about how you will feel if disappointment with this person is down the road? If you are at least somewhat sure that you can answer 'Yes' to these two questions, then you are ready for the Position of Friend!

Managing loyalties

Have you ever been in a situation in which an action that may benefit your relationship with your significant other, at the same time may break the heart of a close relative? Then there are situations, perhaps not quite so severe, but the same factors come into play.  A dear friend may see you being friendly with someone that he or she doesn't care for. Or he or she may have actually decided that they don't care for this person because they were surprised to see you being friendly to them!
What creates a conflict in loyalties is when: friend #1 has made an assumption that "If you truly loved me, you would not have shared a part of yourself that you shared with me, with friend #2."
I almost have to laugh when I think about it, because this is a classic scenario which causes such a great deal of conflict among relationships! I hate to say this, but to clarify what we're talking about here: friend #1 is being unfairly possessive. Often times he or she is fully aware of it too! There are many many times, when someone, even an employer... can wield their weight and say to an employee, "If you were sincere about the goals of this company, you will stay away from people such as (whoever you have befriended)."
Well, whether it's a close friend, or a family member, or even an employer, let me declare straight up: anyone who places this kind of pressure on someone who cares for them is being unfair and unjust. In my opinion, pressure of this nature needs to be resisted and ignored. The way I look at it, as one American patriot said, "Give me liberty or give me death!"*
Friend, let me encourage you, you do what your heart is telling you. Friend #1 will soon come to, not only respect you for your independence, but understand that he or she has no right to take advantage and try to control people in this way.

Patrick Henry: Give me liberty or give me death speech

*Patrick Henry

Real friends

What value does the average person place on friendship? How do we define the average friendship? Friendship has come to mean many many different things. When we think of online friendships, people can have thousands of friends. But real friends? We know real friendships because we can sense a common bond with the person and ourselves, a special knowing that we are special to them and they are special to us. Mostly, this kind of knowing is a result of shared experiences. Someone may behave in a way that many people consider strange. But when a real friend comes on the scene, he or she has seen us in many other settings. He or she has had a chance to size up our value system. Therefore, one person can calm a storm. Many people may be thinking that someone's action is strange. Yet one person can come on the scene who understands the virtue behind this person's reasoning, and offer the person favor.
My mother shared a verse from a Shakespeare sonnet with me that I find valuable and helpful when thinking about my friends: "Love is not love that alters when it alteration finds, or bends with the remover to remove"*. I encourage you to really think about this little verse. Because if someone is expecting you to jump through hoops, or you will lose their friendship, is this person really your friend? If you are losing sleep because you are worried that someone you love will find out something about you that you don't want them to know, is a person who will leave you on the basis of (whatever it is you're hiding) really worthy of your love?
Who are the people who are worthy of your love? Because if you have five thousand friends or followers, I'll bet even out of a number like that, your real friends can be counted on the fingers of one hand. Cherish them.

*Shakespeare Sonnet 116

Responsibility and Friendship

This one I was inspired to write about because of watching my Dad in action. He is now, very sadly a widower for a month. But what a survivor! Unbelievable!
A tragedy has happened,  and what is his first thought? Yes, he's lonely and the house feels empty without my mother.
But my Dad's professional training was in architecture. His primary concern is, what are the things I need to do to prevent my life from caving in? The answer: He needs to take proper care of himself. Yes, he must eat and take his meds. He has, in addition to this, kept the house clean, mowed the lawn and done other maintenance on the yard.
But you know what he's needing to do? Something that takes quite a bit of courage. He is needing to form new relationships, and develop meaning in relationships that before my mother's death he could afford to keep at bay.
Do you have any idea how much determination this takes? How much respect he has for the life God put in him? I know many many people who, if faced with a challenge as great as this, would throw in the towel and say "Forget it!".
But look, he knows I need him. He also loves his grandchildren (my niece and nephew), and be wants to see them grow up.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, in order to form friendships, you really have to first be a good friend to yourself. It's the thing that helps people decide that you are normal.