Expectations

When there is friction within a friendship, what is at the root of it? Doesn't a problem getting along with a friend almost always narrow down to a difference of opinion about what should be expected from one or the other friend? I think of my friend Linda, from Jr. High School. Linda used to get invited to more occasions than I did, such as parties and dances. Well, she knew it would make me feel inferior if she told me, so she would cover it up somehow, and try to hide from me that she was going somewhere. NOW, this is ugly: I would get on her case for being dishonest. I mean, I would ram the subject to the ground, that a friend is supposed to be perfectly honest. And the ugly thing is that I knew the whole time, that she only concealed it to spare my feelings. So here, I had Linda in a back lock, when she had actually tried to do the right things, and I knew it.

When there is so much negativity within a friendship,  what is to be done? All I can think is to just make a general rule for friendship. Let go of expectations. Personal expectations such as I held my friend Linda to, are likely to cause damage. When we are unpleasant to a friend, we are often refusing to look at the issue from his or her point of view.

Suppose the opposite happened. Suppose I had made a rule for my friendship with Linda, that I was going to love and accept her words and actions no matter what my own personal opinion of her conduct was. When, she was invited out, and she didn't want me to know, I would not make her accountable for it. Our friendship would continue to flow. I would actually feel better about myself because I applied mercy to the situation, than I would have felt had I satisfied my unattractive feelings of envy.

There is a little verse in what is called The Ethics of the Fathers in the Talmud, which is a book of Jewish interpretation of all that is written in the Old Testament. Anyways, what comes to mind is:

There are four types of people

one who says what's mine is mine and what's yours is yours - that is the mark of an average person.

One who says what's mine is yours and what's yours is mine - that is the mark of an ignorant person

One who says what's mine is yours and what's yours is yours  - that is the mark of a Godly man.

One who says what's yours is mine and what's mine is mine - that is the mark of an evil man.

If we seek the happiness of our friends, above our own happiness, we will end up making both ourselves and our friends feel more satisfied within our friendships.

♬    The Who: Behind Blue Eyes