What do you do when someone tells you something about themselves or their past that is highly disturbing? Very very difficult issue! We should always remember, in my opinion, that the Position of Friend is a valuable position, and more than anything, we want to hold onto it. And so, what does a Friend do when someone has come to feel close enough to him or her, to confide in him/her about something which is uncomfortable to discuss?
I will start by telling you what I don't think you should do. Children often find themselves in this situation. As children we share things with our friends much more readily, and I remember during my early childhood, that something had taken place within my family that was very very hard for me to accept, and I described to someone I felt close to what had happened. Do you know what she said to me? She said, "Now we in my family don't repeat anything like this to someone outside the family." That was a thoughtless response! She basically told me that by sharing something that disturbed me, I was being disloyal to my family. After this reaction from her, I not only had the burden of what had taken place, but the added burden that by talking about it I was showing a lack of loyalty. And so, Sharon's reaction was quite the opposite of what was needed. Her reaction was judgemental. What is needed when a friend confesses to us is open-mindedness.
Back in the late 1980s, I opted to have a sort of helpline running out from my apartment. I dealt with many many different relationship issues, as well as financial issues, and even legal issues, and I always gave the most sincere advice I knew. Now, one afternoon, a gentleman called with something very very different, and I don't know if he was just testing me to see what I would do, or what. He told me that he had caught his wife having sex with their dog. I hope I don't get in trouble with blogger for sharing this, but this, indeed was something that a caller presented me with, and he asked me whether his wife was normal. I'm sure almost 100% of helpline workers in America would have hung up and been very frightened. But I had known a whole bunch of people, and heard a whole bunch of stories, and I was, even back then, committed to being of help. And so, this man's question to me was "Is my wife normal?" I answered very matter-of-factly, "No Sir, no she's not". Then he asked me how he should handle it, and without being accusatory to anyone, I took the whole thing from a practical standpoint, I did tell him to get rid of the dog, and besides that, I advised that he and his wife should review and revise their own sexual activity, and see how between the two of them, they could make it more satisfying.
My point is, as a Friend, it is our responsibility to be OPEN-MINDED about what is shared with us by those who trust us. By being open-minded, we are proving that we are WORTHY of their trust. I personally, consider proving to be worthy of trust, a higher achievement than winning an Academy Award!!!
Avalon: Take You At Your Word
